The moment we’ve all been waiting for: as the surviving six queens from last week’s episode return to the Werk Room to celebrate not being Magnolia Crawford, they find, instead of the unnecessary combination of cupcakes and champagne, the other six queens. How will the two groups interact? After all, the first set of girls has been together for at least four whole days! Gia Gunn and Vivacious are practically a mother/daughter duo now! Them bonds be unbreakable!
Except, no. The queens who would throw shade (Gia, Bianca), throw shade. Everyone else embraces their season six sisters because why pretend to hate? Seeing the whole group together made it easier to pick out the cool kids (BenDeLaCreme, Milk, Courtney Act, Darienne Lake) who will just be fun to watch interact throughout the season. The most important fact gleamed from this initial meeting is that Gia and Laganja may have formed the axis of evil we all feared they would. I have a vision of Vivacious standing on their faces and I smile myself to sleep.
The next morning, all the girls are boys again, except for Laganja who is the living embodiment of that Macklemore Thrift Shop video. Routine standing in a circle shit. Gia says something stupid. Moving on!
After a Poltergeist inspired She-Mail, Rupaul appears and commands each queen to partner up with somebody from the other group in order to form demented beach creatures. Basically they perform some gross ritual I assume happens at summer camp talent shows every year. Laganja turns to Courtney, and Courtney realizes she’s been trapped. DeLa embraces Darienne and I start hallucinating a drag reboot of The Golden Girls. It quickly becomes clear that this gross act of perversion is merely a means of entertaining Queen RuPaul. Very few people know this, but Fire Island is powered by Rupaul’s laughter. We must keep her entertained.
Milk and Adore are declared the victors because the universe is arbitrary and nobody knows what we’re doing here. The two winners must them pick teams to perform in a new drag horror movie franchise Drag Me to Hell. The acting challenge is always a good early indicator of who has the chops to go far in the competition. It shows who’s best able to commit to a character as well as who’s capable of coming to a set prepared to work. If you can’t learn a few lines and some stage directions, how are you going to pull of complicated choreography? Milk and Adore pick their original groups, although it’s clear that some girls get picked earlier than others for a reason. The final two standing are Vivacious and Trinity, a premonition of what’s to come.
Adore begins her disastrous tenure as team leader by assigning April the butch roll, probably just based on the fact that she wore pants once. Vivacious gets the head in a box roll, which she should be thankful for considering her repeated declarations of being a non-actor. Gia says something stupid. Over on team Milk, everyone seems competent except for Trinity. I’m not the only one who’s noticed the similarities between her and season two champ Tyra. Maybe RuPaul is angling for a similar ugly duckling storyline?
When it’s time to shoot, everything unfolds like you’d expect. Trinity doesn’t understand camera angles and ends up getting the roughest edit. Bianca and Courtney (especially Courtney) are hilarious as…lesbian…somethings. Darienne kills as a devil-possessed decapitated head that would make John Waters proud. The star of the show for me was Joselyn Fox, who I rightfully predicted was a secret genius.
The other group is a little less…polished. DeLa is obviously a genius and completely disappears into her old lady makeup, but unfortunately she’s the exception. April and Laganja at least remember their lines, but they make questionable acting choices. Laganja does an accent, because accents equal funny, apparently. I didn’t think April’s look was as misguided as everybody else thought, but her voice distracted from the illusion. Gia basically plays a less coordinated version of Gia, which is really all anybody can ask of her. The true disasters are Adore, who can’t remember her lines, and Vivacious, who…well… it wasn’t her best day.
We get a quick scene of Vivacious explaining her club kid origins while Trinity reveals her desire to perform as Beyonce in Vegas, which is as unoriginal as it is sad. Vivacious and Bianca correctly point out that Trinity is neither seasoned enough nor Beyonce-looking enough to pull of Beyonce. Bianca, of course, takes it too far and makes a whole bunch “really, bitch?” faces, making me realize that she probably makes that face even when nobody’s around.
The runway this week is particularly outstanding since this is the first time the queens have been allowed to wear their own drag. Standouts include Milk’s Pinocchi-HO look, DeLa’s day-glo Betty, and Darienne’s shiny, silvery cape. When it comes time to crown a winner, it isn’t even close. Adore’s team’s film receives the awkward, post-performance silence, while Milk’s team slays the competition to bits. Darienne correctly wins the challenge, although I would have crowned Joselyn had her runway look not been so Forever 21 pedestrian. Trinity cries and makes her team’s win about her, moving closer and closer to becoming Tyra.
During the judging, nobody is safe (except for DeLa). Laganja actually looks gorgeous, showing off silent movie queen realness and butterfly extravaganza, but it’s not enough to make up for the fact that the best thing anybody could say about her performance was that “she didn’t suck.” April’s get-up was a little cheap looking (and I’ve seen that umbrella before). Adore’s drag is sloppy hooker mermaid, which is all she knows how to do. Her messiness becomes even more apparent when she starts with the whole “I’m really passionate about drag” crying jag. As Bianca tells her during Untucked, “put it on the stage.” RuPaul makes fun of Gia to her face and everything is perfection.
The bottom two are April and Vivacious, with Adore somehow avoiding the lip sync again. Both queens perform admirably to a Selena Gomez song I’ve never heard of—I guess it can’t be Malambo #1 every week. I really didn’t think they were going to send home Vivacious this early, but it’s hard to argue against April, who really didn’t deserve to lip-sync in the first place. Vivacious goes out looking like a star—a magma lizard club kid star.